Accountability and Responsibility

MILWAUKEE, WI

By A.B. Dada
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One of our closests friends Rebecca Georgakis passed away this morning peacefully after a 4 year battle with brain cancer. She was in her early 20s, and married to one of my closest friends and oldest business partner, Christos. They have been married just short of one year.

This is one of those situations that brings tears to my eyes for two reasons: out of love for the family, and out of selfishness in my own life. I can not imagine losing my closest friends and loved ones so early in their lives. My significant other and I argue just like anyone — but not over money or over time or over infidelity or any of the usual suspects. We usually disagree over economics and politics (ha!). Today’s a great day to put that to bed.

Rebecca was a great woman who fulfilled her husband and her home perfectly. Christos told me that he was prepared for this happening, considering that Rebecca lived 3 years longer than any doctor had expected her to. Their short relationship together was an example I wish I had lived myself in my 20s, when work and fun and profit were my only goal.

I pray that Rebecca rests in peace, but as I said before the loss of a loved one can bring incredibly selfish feelings for me, too. In the past 6 months my outlook on life has changed completely: rather than focus on profits and growth and gains, I’ve focused on finding ways to cut back on what I want, which helps me cut back on what I need, so that I can focus on what others want and need. The best way to love someone is in a peaceful way — but I haven’t been able to fully grasp that ideal.

I’m not a parent, but how does a parent truly love in peace without being forceful towards their children? Is the use of force by a parent (punishment, judgement, discipline) appropriate in terms of the child’s future welfare? My parents never punished me, they never judged me and they never disciplined me. I had a rocky late teen/early 20s, but I ended up very self-reliable and encouraged by my personal goals. What do you parents do to balance the love versus the desire to control (for their welfare)?

Is there any love in your life today that you’re frustrated with, that you’ve burned bridges with, or that you’ve cut off communications with? Why? Is it because they won’t live the way you want them to live? Is it because they’ve hurt you in some way?

In the past 6 months I’ve been reading a lot of religious books (not just the New Testament of the Bible) and I’m repeatedly shocked by the example of love throughout all the books. I’m disgusted by the Christian community and church because of their lack of motivation to love others rather than judge and control them. I’m seeing families fall apart over false doctrines and creeds (and cults). I don’t think the way church is run today is how the Bible intended it to, but I also am having problems finding even one soul out there who agrees with me, so Occam’s Razor probably means I’m wrong. My heart and mind and soul won’t give up my new way of thinking, though.

Lately I have been focused on running VIPMinistry.com — a full-service print and media services company for houses of worship. We’re a not-for-income company, meaning we don’t charge for our labor, we don’t offer any profit, and we don’t even bill our “clients” for what they use and want. The most humbling experience in life is to be able to try to meet the needs of others no matter what they ask for. I believe it is a relief to the soul to love others in peace, even if we disagree with them. The fact that I am happier lately than I’ve ever been in my life is a testament to the fact that serving others CAN be a positive, even if it doesn’t satisfy our desires for things or savings or free time.

How do you love in peace? Discuss at the accountability and responsibility forum.

One synonym of accountability that I like to use is blameworthiness: the ability to accept blame for something you’re responsible for. Yet one of the easiest way out of a situation turned sour is to pass the buck — pass on the blame to the next person down the chain.

As I get older (and wiser?), I start to realize that the best way to prevent the passing-of-the-buck is to understand from the start what you should be responsible for and what others should be responsible for. In more and more of my daily responsibilities, if I am relying on others, I will let them know in advance. In the past few years, the number one reason for my biggest failures is not because I didn’t watch things close enough, but because I didn’t set the situation up properly from the start. When I have to rely on the jobs of others now, I let them know in advance what the expectations will be, and I also inquire for their views on what they expect of me.

Yet there are times that we forget to properly set up who is responsible for what in a given relationship. Some times the worst problems start because of what a person expects of another — without discussing those expecations though, the chance to err is wide open. And in those situations when we’re so comfortable with another person that we don’t discuss responsibility, we see the biggest break-ups and relationships destroyed. Parents and children, husbands and wives and siblings that see relationships fall apart often come to those break-ups because of what is thought of as the irresponsibility of one party (or both).

In the past 5 years I have recovered more relationships due to discovering my own irresponsibilities, but I am starting to see some of those relationships start to fall apart because the other party hasn’t discovered their share of problems. In one such situation, a close family member refuses to accept their mistakes over the past decade, and we’re getting to the point of not being able to fulfill a happy relationship because of the dark cloud of irresponsibility. Yet what does one do when the time to address responsibility passed years (or decades) earlier, and the lack of accountability in the relationship can not be fixed?

It is particularly this situation that I am dealing with that makes me realize how important it is to discuss the responsibility/accountability needs of both parties in any relationship — and do it early. If a person you are becoming close to refuses to have the discussion, you should realize that the years of time you are investing into the relationship might end up in a terrible break-up. In the recent 5 years that I have recovered lost relationships, I have also realized that some active ones were taking more time and energy without a positive side: the people I was dealing with were unable to accept any accountablity for their actions. The least painful thing I could do was to just end the relationship and be honest about it. Sometimes this ending can be painful — especially if the person is a loved one or family. Yet we also see that the best way to help someone can often times be walking away from them until they are ready to accept responsibility for their actions.

That responsibility is not just being happy for what they did correct, but blameworthiness for what they did incorrectly. The only way to be truly responsible and accountable is to be able to open yourself up for criticism but also be open to setting the roles in the relationship early on.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.