Accountability and Responsibility

One synonym of accountability that I like to use is blameworthiness: the ability to accept blame for something you’re responsible for. Yet one of the easiest way out of a situation turned sour is to pass the buck — pass on the blame to the next person down the chain.

As I get older (and wiser?), I start to realize that the best way to prevent the passing-of-the-buck is to understand from the start what you should be responsible for and what others should be responsible for. In more and more of my daily responsibilities, if I am relying on others, I will let them know in advance. In the past few years, the number one reason for my biggest failures is not because I didn’t watch things close enough, but because I didn’t set the situation up properly from the start. When I have to rely on the jobs of others now, I let them know in advance what the expectations will be, and I also inquire for their views on what they expect of me.

Yet there are times that we forget to properly set up who is responsible for what in a given relationship. Some times the worst problems start because of what a person expects of another — without discussing those expecations though, the chance to err is wide open. And in those situations when we’re so comfortable with another person that we don’t discuss responsibility, we see the biggest break-ups and relationships destroyed. Parents and children, husbands and wives and siblings that see relationships fall apart often come to those break-ups because of what is thought of as the irresponsibility of one party (or both).

In the past 5 years I have recovered more relationships due to discovering my own irresponsibilities, but I am starting to see some of those relationships start to fall apart because the other party hasn’t discovered their share of problems. In one such situation, a close family member refuses to accept their mistakes over the past decade, and we’re getting to the point of not being able to fulfill a happy relationship because of the dark cloud of irresponsibility. Yet what does one do when the time to address responsibility passed years (or decades) earlier, and the lack of accountability in the relationship can not be fixed?

It is particularly this situation that I am dealing with that makes me realize how important it is to discuss the responsibility/accountability needs of both parties in any relationship — and do it early. If a person you are becoming close to refuses to have the discussion, you should realize that the years of time you are investing into the relationship might end up in a terrible break-up. In the recent 5 years that I have recovered lost relationships, I have also realized that some active ones were taking more time and energy without a positive side: the people I was dealing with were unable to accept any accountablity for their actions. The least painful thing I could do was to just end the relationship and be honest about it. Sometimes this ending can be painful — especially if the person is a loved one or family. Yet we also see that the best way to help someone can often times be walking away from them until they are ready to accept responsibility for their actions.

That responsibility is not just being happy for what they did correct, but blameworthiness for what they did incorrectly. The only way to be truly responsible and accountable is to be able to open yourself up for criticism but also be open to setting the roles in the relationship early on.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.